Article published in:

New Health Digest

February 2006

Rochester, New York




Why Do I Sabotage My Relationships?  

By Helga Rahn, CH



So often we find ourselves behaving in ways that hurt our most important relationships. Why is that? Why do I always overreact? Why do I often misinterpret or become so upset?  ‘Always’ or ‘often’ may be clues that such emotional behavior may have its root cause in a person’s past, cascading forward and creating havoc in a person’s present life. 


Although we try to rationalize and intellectualize the cause of our unhealthy ways, and then try to will power ourselves into healthy ways, this simply does not work. This is because we are not addressing the root cause of our destructive emotional and behavior patterns. 


One way to understand this is to imagine our sabotaging patterns as though they are the weed we see living above the surface. In order to eliminate an unwanted weed, we need to go below the earth’s surface and eliminate the weed’s roots. To eliminate unhealthy emotional and behavior patterns we need to address the hurts and fears driving them. These hurts and fears live below the conscious mind level, and in our subconscious emotional mind.


Our emotional hurts and fears often begin in our very early life experiences. While we are very young, defenseless and vulnerable, we simply do not have the cognitive ability to understand our life experiences. We do not understand our emotions or know how to resolve them. Unfortunately even as adults, we do not always know what to do, to resolve and satisfy our emotional needs in a healthy and productive way. And so, whether intentionally or unintentionally, emotions that remain misunderstood, unresolved and unsatisfied, continue to live within us. When they resonate forward into our present life situations, we have what can be called emotional resonance.


To better understand the affect that deeply held, unresolved emotions have on our overall health, it is important to understand emotional resonance. Let us start with the understanding that all emotions are energy in motion. Emotions are an intricate part of being human and we are always experiencing emotional energy and feelings. The problem is when emotional energy does not flow freely, but instead, becomes trapped, stuck and knotted inside us. 


Physics states that all things in life vibrate at a certain frequency. When two things have a similar frequency, and one is activated or begins to vibrate, it causes the other one to resonate or vibrate.  For example, let’s say two guitars are tuned to each other and they are placed in close proximity. If the A string of one guitar is activated, the A string of the other guitar will be activated. Together they will vibrate due to an acoustic resonance.


Emotional resonance follows the same principle. We store our memories, perceptions and emotions in the cells of our body. When a current situation, incident or event in our present life resonates with a past situation, incident or event, we instantly have flashbacks. That particular stored memory, with all its impressions and emotions is energized, and then resonates forward into our present. Essentially what happens is we are re-experiencing or re-living our past. This is wonderful when a stored memory and all the perceptions and emotional content is joyful, causing a resonating present situation and occasion to be even more joyful.


The problem is when our stored memories are charged with uncomfortable, hurtful and painful emotions. In this case, if a present situation, incident or event, that even though is different in content, resonates with an uncomfortable past memory, it is like re-energizing and re-activating an unresolved, unsatisfied, unhealed wound. It stings. And over time an unhealed wound tends to grow even more toxic and poisonous to us, as it vibrates into our present life. 


By working with our subconscious emotional mind, we are able to discover, resolve and then release such old trapped and pent up hurtful emotional energy from stored memories. Once the debilitating emotional charge of the memory dissolves, so does all emotional resonance. As a result, we free ourselves from the anchors of our past. No longer do we live as though there is a volcano inside of us, ready to explode at the littlest upset. We take back control of our lives, and we are able to respond within our most precious relationships with a clear, compassionate and emotionally balanced mind.  





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